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Friday, February 28, 2014

Dear Blog..March 6, 2014...The Sunny Route

Dear Blog,
Last Friday I took the long way to work, just because it's prettier. No, not really prettier, it's all pretty around here. I look around and I have to acknowledge that this place that I have chosen to call home is visually spectacular.

But not very sunny, especially in winter. So I took the sunnier route. Longer, a little slower, but worth it, to be sure. I may be on to something here, you think?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Dear Blog, February 18, 2014, Tears

Dear Blog,

I can't seem to stop crying. 

I started about 10 days ago, and based on the timing, I blamed in on hormones. But it's not stopping and I just keep crying.

I have always been moved easily to tears, but I'm not generally the type to wallow in them for long. Except now. I feel that I could cry forever and I'm not sure why.

I miss my mom. Of course. I miss my hometown. I miss so many people there. I miss sunshine. I miss sleep. I miss prosperity and the feeling of possibility I once had. I miss the feeling that I had time. I miss being young and cute. I miss being energetic. Winter blues? It's not that I feel depressed...I don't have that dull, listless feeling that comes along with that. I get up in the morning ready for the day, I'm moving through my days fairly easily, I'm just crying. A lot.

We spent this weekend with an old friend, passing through. She was once more my mom's friend than mine, although we are closer in age. We talked and talked and laughed and cried over my mom and the past we shared through her. Maybe it's just time to really mourn, but I can't say I like this much. This feeling of being so bereft. 

On a different, but likely related note, winter is losing it's hold. I can feel spring approaching even though it's not visible yet. It's slightly warmer, sometimes, the air has a different quality. The days are longer and longer already. 

I don't think I will cry when all of this snow melts and green things appear.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dear Blog, February 12, 2014, Sleepless

Dear Blog, 

I would love to be a great sleeper. I would love it if part of my obituary some day would read " she could sleep anytime, anywhere, for as long as she needed."

Nope.

I have been a light sleeper for as long as I can remember. From little, I would wake up to use the bathroom, never a bed wetter me. But in those days I went back to sleep.

For the last week I have been up every night for a couple of hours starting at 3-4 am. I hate this and it's not always, but when it's happening nothing much seems to help.

This morning it happened that Lucy, getting well and cutting the last molar, which I think will continue to try to break through for about 6 more months, wanted to nurse heavily at about 4:15 until about 4:45 (time to wean soon?). Sometimes I can go back to sleep or even kind of sleep through this. But not this week.

So instead I tossed and turned for half an hour, then gave up and started the coffee. And I sat, in the living room, in the quiet.

Quiet. I really, really, love quiet. I wonder if I would sleep better if I had more quiet in my daylight hours?

I'm not sure how to achieve that....

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Dear Blog, February 11, 2014, Banana Chips

Dear Blog,

I haven't written in you in a long time. I'm busy. I have two children, I work, it's winter and we tend to be sick more, etc, etc.....

But I like to write, have since I was young, (which I don't feel at all these days), so I eventually find my way back here.

I don't have anything dramatic or fascinating to share, just part of an ordinary day.....

Tonight we made banana chips.

Patrick found bananas on sale and brought home about 5 pounds, so we decided to freeze some for smoothies and make banana chips in the dehydrator.

It fell to me to process them, as these things often do. I thought I'd do it with the girls, or maybe all four of us, after dinner. But everyone went their separate ways, which is actually unusual for us, in the evening. So I proceeded to slice on my own while Helena worked on a book report (extra credit, "overachieving", she calls it), Lucy cruised around doing what Lucy does (less writing on walls, these days, thankfully) and Patrick continued a tutorial he'd started.

Then, in the midst of my fairly even, 1/8" slices, Lucy showed up and wanted to help. I don't know when I became such a perfectionist, but somehow parenthood seems to have brought that out more in me...something about the so full days and trying to get it all done, ugh!

For a split second I hesitated and then handed her the knife (yes, my two year old is actually quite competent with a knife, supervised, of course). Her slices ranged from thin scraps to 1.5" chunks (which I later did thin out), and it was, of course, all just fine and fun, with her help.

Her attention span for such things is about 10 minutes, and then she was off to something else. But not before I was treated to a song while we worked, which went something like:

"I' always wanted to slice bananas, I always wanted to slice bananas, I always wanted to slice bananas......"

Sometimes I'm the rushed, hurried mom who just needs to get things done, but, thank goodness, sometimes I'm the other type, the one who can just hang out and slice bananas, in any shape or size.