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Monday, August 10, 2009

Fear as a motivator?

In advance, this is going to be a ramble....

I am in an odd place in my life....

I think I have lived on adrenaline for a long time. Fear has been a strong motivating factor throughout my life. I have worked my tail off, been uber precise in my business dealings, striven hard for security, all from a place of fear. I have been afraid, somehow, that if I slowed down, let up, didn't hold it (life?) all together, it would all fall apart. I remember, sitting in massage schooling, listening to a description of the sympathetic nervous system, that fight or flight center we should only activate during extreme need, and I thought "that's where I live, more than not." Apparently, that's not uncommon.

Of late, I have been working on faith...if faith is truly a thing that can be worked on (at?). More than anything now, what I want to cultivate a sense of peace. I think I'm getting there...it's not something that comes naturally to me, or at least, not anymore. I find myself sometimes whipping myself into a near frenzy over something that is SO not a real emergency. Old habits die hard. Often now, I catch myself in the act and can SLOOOWWW down a bit. I'm trying now to replace this with something more quiet, more grounded in what's real, and really important.

I'm leaving my job, training my replacement this week. I haven't replaced the job. We're okay in the short run, in the longer run, I need to replace that income. This was a necessary choice for me, but an uncomfortable one, because I'm not going toward anything I can clearly see. I have some ideas...I'm moving on them.

I woke up this morning with a sense of disquiet, disease. I realized, upon some consideration, that without that sense of fear, of urgency, as a motivator, I'm ill at ease. While on one level I welcome it's absense, on the other, I miss it like an old, worn out pair of shoes. Not longer functional, not even comfortable, long out of style, but ever so familiar.

Time to find a new pair of shoes...not sure where to shop. Fortunately, it's summer, and I can go barefoot for awhile.

I believe, that somewhere inside of me, there's something I'm here for (all of us, for that matter)...here on planet earth, in this place and time. Maybe not vastly significant in the grand scheme of things, but signifcant to me. Something deep within me, that would fuel me, drive me, from some deep place. I wish I knew...I have some ideas. What I know to be true right now is that the pursuit of security, financial or otherwise, is too hollow a goal for me to follow. Not that it isn't important in it's own way, just not enough anymore...it makes my world so small.

So for now, I stand in this place of odd, uncomfortable stillness. Maybe in time it will be more comfortable.