We're in San Diego, got in later Friday night after having our flights cancelled on Thursday due to bad weather.
It's beautiful, warm, sunny, a nice break from the freezing pipes and fridgid weather we left behind. And I'm Really Crabby.
I love and hate coming to San Diego-it's a very ambivilent experience for me. It's comfortable and homey, I lived here for 32 years. And I'm still at times unsure of the wisdom in my choice to leave here. But, after 6 years, although it feels homey, it's not home anymore.
This is the 9th time we've come back to visit since leaving, so we visit fairly often, considering the distance. Deaths, births, a wedding, and a few pleasure trips have brought us back here, and it's without fail, despite my best plans and intentions, a frantic and ultimately exhausting attempt to see the dozens of people we know and love. This time I really want it to be different. And I just don't know how to do it.
We've drastically shortened the list of people to see, at the risk of hurting the feelings of people we love. And yet, already, at the dawn of the 3rd day here, I'm really frazzled and frayed, and ready to go home. Patrick seems to be faring a bit better, but then again he seems to feel the pull to please much less than I. Helena is at moments cheerful and funny, but much more tired and cranky than is her normal little self.
I believe that the change that is needed is within me. This pasy year and a half or so has been a period of fairly rapid growth on my part, and I'm weary from it. I love so many people here, and indeed have said and meant feverently that half my heart still lives in San Diego with all those I love so much. But coming here, at a time when I feel really ready, finally, to commit to the choice we've made to leave, seems now to be perhaps not the wisest for me.
I'm just beginning to get solidly on my feet in Upstate, to forge connections to people, and my community, to out forth effort to be the person that I want to be in the work world. And when I come here, beyond the sadness I feel because of the physical distance I have now from so many I love, underscored by the changes I see that happened while I was absent, I also feel strongly tempted to rush back to where it feels warm and safe, to where I know people know and love me, especially when I forget to love myself.
But I also see that despite my questionning of my own choices and motivations, there a lot the reasons I chose to leave still stand, and it's time to move forward and give those dreams and goals a chance. To trust in my own worth and strength and know that I can forge the life I want, wherever I am. And being here, now, because of my inner turmoil, isn't perhaps the way I could have best supported myself in all of this.
So, for this morning, Helena and I are off, while Patrick rests as he needs, to the ocean for a morning in the sun and air. I'm going to pretend for a few hours, that I'm in Florida, or the Carribean, or somewhere other than my home town, where the goal is simply to relax and refresh and play. And perhaps, just perhaps, I'll be inspired with how to make this more the experience that I need.
On a completely separate note, I've edited the name of the blog a little. I think it more accurately reflects me and where I'm going, at least for the moment.....