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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Chaos Reigns.......

....throughout my life this past week or so.

My life is not very organized yet, though I'm really working on it. I'm still adjusting to being a working mom. I started Christmas shopping about a week ago. I've determined that I really hate last minute shopping. Yesterday I was tired, burned out, not sleeping very well this last week or so.

But today, the shopping is complete, the work week is over, the wrapping is, well, halfway done. And my heart is full of gratitude.

This has been an especially challenging year for me. In the beginning of the year we moved from the home we tried for 4 years to share with my family, I got very sick twice with the flu, became a working mother by necessity, lost my mother-in-law suddenly this fall, and an uncle just two weeks later. Have begun, for the first time in my life, really, to forge my own path, to live by my own light so to speak. I'm not sure I knew what I truly wanted or liked until recently, and I'm still learning.

There were long stretches this year where I bitterly regreted the choice I made to leave San Diego and my life there and start over here. And sometimes I still d, though with less bitterness now. I have to admit that I am still profoundly lonely for the friends and family I left behind. And just lonely in general.

But today I'm also, and somewhat suddenly, despite my efforts at gratitude, aware of how blessed my life is. How much abundance I have, despite the areas where I see lack. How many friends I really do have here, despite how I long for those back home (I still think of San Diego as home). How amazing my daughter is....I'm aware of that most of the time, even through my periodic frustration. How rich are the possibilities that exist.

This is a quiet Christmas Eve for us. I think it's the first we've ever spent just at home, just us. In the past we've gathered with family, and occasionally friends. Christmas Eve was a traditional feast night for my maternal family, and it feels a little strange not to honor that tradition. But for this year, at least, it also feels right. I'm still grieving the loss of Toni, and Patrick very much so too. And it's been a lovely family evening, and my tiny family is finally bonding and feels very much a together unit. As I sit and write this, Patrick & Helena are wrapping gifts for me-Helena and I just finished wrapping Patrick's. Then we'll put together our Nativity Tray, a new tradition for our little family. Then to bed for Helena, and Patrick and I will clean up after our little feast (more about THAT later) and wrap the remaining gifts and enjoy the quiet.

Happy Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night! ~ Clement C Moore